035

Today was the most difficult day.  You look into the eyes of someone you love, someone you admire, and you know it's the last time.  It has shallowed my heart.  Someday I'll be a better doctor for it.  All it took was a life.  Makes me wonder...what are we willing to give?  I hope you find peace in the next place...And I hope it haunts me, so I can do better for them than I was able to do for you.

Spatter

034

Sometimes it's too late to succeed, but it's never too late to try.  We get this awesome gift of existence, with all its wonders and mysteries.  We get to explore and inquire; we get an adventure far more incredible than any novel or story has ever portrayed.  There's magic here, in every breath you breathe, in every step you take.  Physiology.  There's wonder here, in every quirk that builds, every black hole that swallows.  Physics.  The examples are endless.  Forget the fairy tales.  Embrace what's right in front of you.  Don't let anyone ever belittle that, don't let anyone take it from you.  Don't let it ever become small.  It's so easy to get wrapped up in things and people that will pull you away from all of the beauty in the world, sometimes you won't even notice.  Learn from that, and chase your dreams, not your lust.  Live long,

Spatter

033

"You will think you dodged a bullet.  You will breathe deep relief.  As my life spirals into the great unknown, into yet darker and darker days, you will believe this fallacy.  Stupid girl.  You didn't dodge a bullet, I took one for you.  This is what you will come to know." - an excerpt from Memoir 33, Dante Stradat

One infinity is not equal to another.  This idea is raised and proven within the laws of mathematics, in particular, integral calculus.  An obvious problem with forever is that it lacks quantifiable character.  Forever may not be time, maybe it's magnitude.  Maybe it's both.  Maybe forever is 11 dimensional, or maybe it's not structural or temporal at all, but intangible to the depth of its absolute nature.  But we know about forever, don't we?  You know when your forever is greater than another's.  It is clear when your infinity is more true than another's.  Find that which without, your forever cannot exist.  And then run from that place, and never look back.  You see, forever is the end.  It is the warm blanket of goodnight, and the peaceful rest into which we fall.  It is filled with complacency feigning comfort.  It is the declaration to forego change, and remain.  And as it grows, it will shrink you small.  Forever is the great lie you've been told.  Fuck forever.
Live long,

Spatter

"Suddenly it occurred, at 3:30 on March 3rd, it came to me like God's word." - Germaine

032

The Long Goodbye

The number line will find both its beginning and its end,
Infinity will find its peaceful rest.
The universe will expand and collapse its final time,
And God will take His very last breath.

But not for you and I,
Not for the long goodbye.
It has always been, and it will always be,
The exception that proves the rule...
There must exist eternity.
And The Long Goodbye is what is left,
After eternity is over.

Spatter

031

It's been some time since I wrote traditional post, so I figure now is as good a time as any.  On break from medical school for 5 weeks, of which two have passed.  I already find myself restless, yearning to get back to my mission.  I realize I have changed.  I'm running, it's been quite a few miles, I'm tired, I think maybe I'll walk the rest of the way.  But I can't.  My mind won't let me slow, everything that can push me, does push me.  My thoughts go to places to feign purpose to finish my run.  It would be too easy to stop Andrew, we don't do easy.  You're not tired, you just think you are, will it kill you to press onward?  You know you can, stopping now wouldn't be of necessity, it would be a choice, a weak choice.  You hate weakness.  [omitted] is waiting for you at the end, [omitted] is there, at your final destination.  Don't waste time, there is no time to waste.  Keep running.  You will regret it if you don't keep running.  In fact Andrew, run harder...My mind plays its game, and I run harder, knowing deep down that the reasons are loosely based in lies.  I manipulate myself so that I can press on, so that I can move forward, so that I will not quit.  This is what happens to me during a run.  It's not just a run, not for me.  For me, it's life and death, it's everything.  For me, there is no next moment with which to redeem oneself, there is only this moment: to grow, to learn, to live, and to love.  Live long, all my love to Di.

Spatter