047

As I wander these streets I am, so very often, drawn to a bench by the ocean.  I take some time to reflect, rest for just a spell.  I see the new, bright faces of the freshly initiated.  They wear their new white coats with pride.  It's difficult to believe that just one year ago, I began my journey here.  I watch them as they pass, a genuine smile on my face.  How very exciting it has been; for me, for them, for us all.  We are all here, daring to chase our dreams, threatening the forces of mediocrity at every turn, and falling ever further in love with a destiny not destined, but begotten by our grand desire to grow.  I wish you all such beauty in your endeavor, and the best of luck.  Every once in a while, we come to realize that we fight for everything, we struggle and crumble and falter; but we press on.  In this prodigious toil, we needn’t fight for our happiness.  Sometimes we only need to let it be, as it is, the fruit of our labor.  Right now, I’m happy, and I hope that you are too.  Until next time, please live long.

Spatter

046

You fucking Jackal, always hanging around...
Never there to kill the monkey,
Wrapped about my neck so long.
Keep me company, and keep me warm.
You fucking Jackal, why won't you just let me move on?

Kindred souls to be we are,
I see your eyes across the dark.
I know you wait for me,
You ever wait for me.
You fucking Jackal, always hanging around,
Why don't you just let me be?

And in the waking dream,
A suffocated scream.
Each night I feel you creep,
Closer than the last.
Until you're curled up next to me.
The time to strike has passed.
You fucking Jackal,
Why did you choose me to torture?
And how long does it last?
If I never sleep again,
Will you only go away?
I beg you be on your way,
You fucking Jackal,
I'll love you all my days...
Though it brings me shame,
I'll love you anyways.



Spatter

045

Hey blank page, it's me again.

Just woke up, boy I was dreaming,
Something made me believe again.

If my halo could speak,
It would tell a great tale...
Times that were crooked...
Oh, how I have failed.
The curtains came down,
A lion's heart slams shut.
The wolves pulled me down,
As I gave up.

All the time singing.
Hey blank page it's me again...
It's me again.





Live long,

Spatter

044

She said, "Sometimes it gets so lonely I just hang my head and cry,
I just lose myself in sadness as a watch the passers-by...
I wonder how'd it get this way?
How'd I get this way?"
She said, "Anywhere but here, if I was anywhere but here..."
But that ain't what she means.
She really meant if he was anywhere but there,
If only he was near.
She can't hold him till he steps away,
Then touch his pretty face.
She said, "God damn this wretched place..."
And God damned that wretched place.
It was built on muddy water,
It was erected out of hate.
I could track its lineage way back to men in caves,
To a time before the sunshine,
To a time just after young misery cried the first breath, on the first day.
She said, "Damn boy, it sure gets lonely here."
Mad lonely, I smiled, "Yeah, mad lonely."

Spatter

043

They change you, you know?  Watching them grow…you grow.  You see them face their first fears, take their first steps.  You bear witness to them as they conquer their world, making bigger leaps and bounds than they ever will again.  When I have made my impact, when my numbers run small and my time grows thin, I know the questions I’ll begin to ask:  Where are your children, and what were their first steps like?  With deep sorrow I’ll answer, “My children did not breathe and walk, my children were my dreams.  They sat in classrooms and learned, they existed in novels and fantasies.  They were no children of mine.”  Who is your great love, what was it like growing old with the puzzle piece that completed your soul?  In grand regret I’ll reply, “For many years I stared at my puzzle, missing that one piece.  I searched far and wide, but for long it evaded me.  For some shameful stretch of time I gave up on finding that piece.  It wasn’t under the couch, beneath the cushion.  It could have been swept away, stolen by the visitor, maybe it was never even there.  My love became my work, my heart became warmed by my fathers and mothers; they spoke to me from the textbook, taught me from the podium.  Truth is, when I finally found that puzzle piece, with careful hands I gave her away; I let her go.  The puzzle had taken new form, there was no longer a place for this piece.  It now simply had a hole where there was once a place, and the hole that it carved into me was too magnificent to repair.  For a lifetime I have shoveled the gravel into its depth, never hearing a single stone reach the bottom.  There was no great love of mine.”  I don’t know what the next question is, but I know who I want to be there to ask it, and whatever it is, I hope that I can say to her, “My life isn’t perfect, it’s just as close as I could get. I wouldn’t change anything, but there was a time when I would have.  I wanted you to know that.  It never got small, as so many things did over the years.  It never will.  We’ve lost so much time, I don’t want to lose any more.  Will you spend what little time we have left with me?” 

No matter the answer, this is how the greatest love story of all time will end.  I don’t know what happens when we die, but I do believe in energy.  Love is energy.  And ours will be a field of lilies in the next life, dancing with the wind, truer and stronger than ever.

Spatter

042

Love isn't about perfection or beauty, it isn't about chasing dreams or great adventures.  Love isn't even about forever; not even about someone who will stay.  Love is something inside of you, and no one can take it away, not as long as you want it.  Often the ones we love play short roles in our lives, and we wish they could have stayed longer.  But as a great man once said, we must let go with generosity those who cannot love us.  Become someone who you can love, and loneliness may never find your heart on the road to truth.

[insert their name here]
By the time your heart convinces your mind,
That they eyes of your true love are blue.
Don't look for me, naught will you find,
I'll have settled for somebody better than you.

I won't sell you short,
I won't rob you of a lesson so keen and so true...
Your cross will be heavy,
And Golgotha far...
You'll hang out to dry,
While the vultures fly low;
This is the life that you choose.
And I'll have settled for somebody better than you.
[move on here]


Spatter

041

Dearest Friend,

I woke up with you on my mind today.  I wake up this way every day.  Each moment it starts over again; I laugh and your voice echoes out into the world.  When I smile I dream that you smile, when I cry, I dream that you cry.  And it continues this way, I'm not sure that it will ever be any different.  You share none of my joy and halve none of my pain, and it wrenches at some ugly place in me.  As my mind goes softly to a place between peace and fear, I lose little bits of you here, little bits of you there.  A simple reflection of losing myself, I suppose.  Sometimes, in the greater and lesser instants but never in between, I forget to remember you.  But when I lay to rest the bustle of the day, you always come back to me.  The dark curtains of sleep fall over my eyes, and we drift away together.  Every night I fall in love with you, and every morning you break my heart.  Of all tragedies to endure, at least this one is beautiful.  Wherever you are, Dearest Friend, I hope you are well.


Wishing each and every person all the world,

Spatter