050

She said, "Spatter, why is a raven like a writing desk?"

I believe it is, as it was in this the most beautiful of stories, a time for moving on from this small hobby of mine.  Dearest friend, this is my omega text, the last words I will write here.  My leave indefinite, and I find it unlikely that I will discover my way back.  This blog has meant so much to me, and served its purpose so well.  Thank you to all who read it, I hope that somewhere in my mess I've written something worthwhile for you.  The 45 kilograms that started this story have changed so much, that it just seems wrong to continue.  As always, and for the last time, live long.

Fairfarren Alice.

Spatter

049

To be young, to be open and fearless and curious.  But we burn our hands on the stovetop, we learn to be afraid.  We tumble down the rabbit hole, curiosity weighs against consequence.  Some kind of wonderful sweeps in and handles our heart without care; the doors slam shut.  We grow older, though time is only ancillary to this transformation.  Rather it is through our experiences, and more directly our perception of those experiences, that we lose those precious gifts of youth.  Age is a number, the weather on your body; but to be old, that’s the weather on your soul my friends.  Eyes blue as the ocean, vast as the heavens.  I believe I was as old as I’ll ever become when I was twenty one.  Since then, I’ve only become more young.  Live long.

Spatter

048

"My greatest fear in life is that someday, on my operating table, lay a soul who need not stay; and I will not have studied enough to urge the body to reconsider."

Many years ago, I made this statement to a friend; my colleague, and my mentor.  This Friday he will be honored for his academic achievement in medicine, for his resilience and knowledge.  In this spotlight, he has chosen to quote my words, remembered from long ago; something for which my gratitude cannot be defined.  It does well to pay homage to those who have shaped us, to remember those who have been there for us, never wavering in the face of adversity.  More often than not I forget that I have such people around me, and I pay more time and attention to the wrong individuals instead.  However, I am always called home by those most loyal, by those who care.  I'm so very proud to be called "friend" by the great movers of my life, so very excited to be a part of their stories, and constantly humbled by their actions and accomplishments.  I urge you to take a moment to think about your great movers, to reach out to them, to let them know you care.  Life, after all, is terribly short, even if it's the longest thing you'll ever do.  With that I leave you.  Live long.

Spatter

047

As I wander these streets I am, so very often, drawn to a bench by the ocean.  I take some time to reflect, rest for just a spell.  I see the new, bright faces of the freshly initiated.  They wear their new white coats with pride.  It's difficult to believe that just one year ago, I began my journey here.  I watch them as they pass, a genuine smile on my face.  How very exciting it has been; for me, for them, for us all.  We are all here, daring to chase our dreams, threatening the forces of mediocrity at every turn, and falling ever further in love with a destiny not destined, but begotten by our grand desire to grow.  I wish you all such beauty in your endeavor, and the best of luck.  Every once in a while, we come to realize that we fight for everything, we struggle and crumble and falter; but we press on.  In this prodigious toil, we needn’t fight for our happiness.  Sometimes we only need to let it be, as it is, the fruit of our labor.  Right now, I’m happy, and I hope that you are too.  Until next time, please live long.

Spatter

046

You fucking Jackal, always hanging around...
Never there to kill the monkey,
Wrapped about my neck so long.
Keep me company, and keep me warm.
You fucking Jackal, why won't you just let me move on?

Kindred souls to be we are,
I see your eyes across the dark.
I know you wait for me,
You ever wait for me.
You fucking Jackal, always hanging around,
Why don't you just let me be?

And in the waking dream,
A suffocated scream.
Each night I feel you creep,
Closer than the last.
Until you're curled up next to me.
The time to strike has passed.
You fucking Jackal,
Why did you choose me to torture?
And how long does it last?
If I never sleep again,
Will you only go away?
I beg you be on your way,
You fucking Jackal,
I'll love you all my days...
Though it brings me shame,
I'll love you anyways.



Spatter

045

Hey blank page, it's me again.

Just woke up, boy I was dreaming,
Something made me believe again.

If my halo could speak,
It would tell a great tale...
Times that were crooked...
Oh, how I have failed.
The curtains came down,
A lion's heart slams shut.
The wolves pulled me down,
As I gave up.

All the time singing.
Hey blank page it's me again...
It's me again.





Live long,

Spatter

044

She said, "Sometimes it gets so lonely I just hang my head and cry,
I just lose myself in sadness as a watch the passers-by...
I wonder how'd it get this way?
How'd I get this way?"
She said, "Anywhere but here, if I was anywhere but here..."
But that ain't what she means.
She really meant if he was anywhere but there,
If only he was near.
She can't hold him till he steps away,
Then touch his pretty face.
She said, "God damn this wretched place..."
And God damned that wretched place.
It was built on muddy water,
It was erected out of hate.
I could track its lineage way back to men in caves,
To a time before the sunshine,
To a time just after young misery cried the first breath, on the first day.
She said, "Damn boy, it sure gets lonely here."
Mad lonely, I smiled, "Yeah, mad lonely."

Spatter

043

They change you, you know?  Watching them grow…you grow.  You see them face their first fears, take their first steps.  You bear witness to them as they conquer their world, making bigger leaps and bounds than they ever will again.  When I have made my impact, when my numbers run small and my time grows thin, I know the questions I’ll begin to ask:  Where are your children, and what were their first steps like?  With deep sorrow I’ll answer, “My children did not breathe and walk, my children were my dreams.  They sat in classrooms and learned, they existed in novels and fantasies.  They were no children of mine.”  Who is your great love, what was it like growing old with the puzzle piece that completed your soul?  In grand regret I’ll reply, “For many years I stared at my puzzle, missing that one piece.  I searched far and wide, but for long it evaded me.  For some shameful stretch of time I gave up on finding that piece.  It wasn’t under the couch, beneath the cushion.  It could have been swept away, stolen by the visitor, maybe it was never even there.  My love became my work, my heart became warmed by my fathers and mothers; they spoke to me from the textbook, taught me from the podium.  Truth is, when I finally found that puzzle piece, with careful hands I gave her away; I let her go.  The puzzle had taken new form, there was no longer a place for this piece.  It now simply had a hole where there was once a place, and the hole that it carved into me was too magnificent to repair.  For a lifetime I have shoveled the gravel into its depth, never hearing a single stone reach the bottom.  There was no great love of mine.”  I don’t know what the next question is, but I know who I want to be there to ask it, and whatever it is, I hope that I can say to her, “My life isn’t perfect, it’s just as close as I could get. I wouldn’t change anything, but there was a time when I would have.  I wanted you to know that.  It never got small, as so many things did over the years.  It never will.  We’ve lost so much time, I don’t want to lose any more.  Will you spend what little time we have left with me?” 

No matter the answer, this is how the greatest love story of all time will end.  I don’t know what happens when we die, but I do believe in energy.  Love is energy.  And ours will be a field of lilies in the next life, dancing with the wind, truer and stronger than ever.

Spatter

042

Love isn't about perfection or beauty, it isn't about chasing dreams or great adventures.  Love isn't even about forever; not even about someone who will stay.  Love is something inside of you, and no one can take it away, not as long as you want it.  Often the ones we love play short roles in our lives, and we wish they could have stayed longer.  But as a great man once said, we must let go with generosity those who cannot love us.  Become someone who you can love, and loneliness may never find your heart on the road to truth.

[insert their name here]
By the time your heart convinces your mind,
That they eyes of your true love are blue.
Don't look for me, naught will you find,
I'll have settled for somebody better than you.

I won't sell you short,
I won't rob you of a lesson so keen and so true...
Your cross will be heavy,
And Golgotha far...
You'll hang out to dry,
While the vultures fly low;
This is the life that you choose.
And I'll have settled for somebody better than you.
[move on here]


Spatter

041

Dearest Friend,

I woke up with you on my mind today.  I wake up this way every day.  Each moment it starts over again; I laugh and your voice echoes out into the world.  When I smile I dream that you smile, when I cry, I dream that you cry.  And it continues this way, I'm not sure that it will ever be any different.  You share none of my joy and halve none of my pain, and it wrenches at some ugly place in me.  As my mind goes softly to a place between peace and fear, I lose little bits of you here, little bits of you there.  A simple reflection of losing myself, I suppose.  Sometimes, in the greater and lesser instants but never in between, I forget to remember you.  But when I lay to rest the bustle of the day, you always come back to me.  The dark curtains of sleep fall over my eyes, and we drift away together.  Every night I fall in love with you, and every morning you break my heart.  Of all tragedies to endure, at least this one is beautiful.  Wherever you are, Dearest Friend, I hope you are well.


Wishing each and every person all the world,

Spatter

040

The mad scientist gets to heaven and rests his tired bones on a bench outside the pearly gates. Peter calls his name, but the scientist does not respond. Peter calls a second time, and again, the scientist ignores. Peter calls a third time, and the scientist replies, "Send me back Peter, I'm not finished yet." A lifetime later, the same scientist again sits outside the gates, and Peter calls to him. The scientist does not respond. Peter calls a second time, again, the scientist ignores. Peter calls a third time, and disappointed, the scientist wanders into the unknown, somewhere far from heaven. The problem with believing in a perfect deity is that at some point, you must quit believing in yourself....

We're all afraid.  Afraid to take the leap, stray the mean, wander alone.  If you aren't, you either lack the experience, or you deny it.  Wield a fine eye on life, and you will see the small discontinuities, the little things that don't add up in people.  Maybe I'm wrong, given that the sum of the pieces is greater than that of the whole.  But I don't think so.

A Letter From Andrew to Peter

Woke up a bit confused again,
Next to someone new again.
Memorized the lines to say,
To run somebody through again.
Hope she isn't faint of heart,
Or this is gonna hurt.
Think about the snow again,
The lows have gotten low again,
I miss the cold from where I came,
It's freezing here in other ways.
I make due with what I've got,
Supplant the storm with rotten crop.
"Good morning sweetheart, you've got to go..."
Better break a heart
Than let her know
What life is like in afterglow.
Eat my meals on a mirror,
So I can't claim I didn't see it coming.

As always,

Live long,

Spatter

039

You can't control everything that happens in your life, but you can control how you perceive, how you react, and how you move forward.  Move forward with an open heart, a peaceful mind, and a stronger will.

Sad, sad sunsets,

Fall on bitter days.

Rag tag shallow lovers,

Cross in numbered ways.

And the dust begins to accumulate...

On what beauty could have been.

Jaded but not innumerate,

It's time for me to leave.

Cause a pretty, pretty sunrise,

Is waiting by the sea...

To light my eyes up blue again,

And etch my smile to the breeze.

All my love, live long.

Spatter

038

There you are, minding your own business.  Someone comes along, and turns your life upside down.  They make you question who you are, what you want, and how you feel.  They ruin your perfect little bubble of security and comfort.  They tear all kinds of shit apart like a tornado, and then they're gone.  Thank God for people like that.  They show you how to love, and how to let go.  They learn you well the lessons in joy and pain, in passion and loss.  They force your change.  Even though you want to keep them forever, they teach you that you can't, and that's ok.  Live long.

Spatter

037

Learn the lesson, and then move on from the bad, and focus on the good.  Just because something didn't work doesn't mean blame should be assigned, and just because something breaks, doesn't mean someone must be condemned.  Do the best you can for those you love, and do the best you can for those you don't.  We get so little time on this earth, and we take about 673 million breaths of life.  We only take one breath of death.  Stop spending your time looking for something worth dying for, and look for something worth living for.  Sometimes that something might be someone.  I've found a few really wonderful things to live for, and a few extraordinary people.  Often these amazing people don't even know that they're amazing.  Tell them.  Let them know.  673 million breaths, but you never know which one of those is death.  Me?  All my love to Di.  Live long.

Spatter

036

To combine the greatest forces of the universe: physics, philosophy, and love.

Twinkle, twinkle, little star.
I love the wonder; what you are.
You scintillate, but you don't know;
Twinkle, twinkle, little glow.
When we come a' searchin',
You weren't even ever there.
I wonder, little wonder,
Did you ever even care?

Live long,

Spatter

035

Today was the most difficult day.  You look into the eyes of someone you love, someone you admire, and you know it's the last time.  It has shallowed my heart.  Someday I'll be a better doctor for it.  All it took was a life.  Makes me wonder...what are we willing to give?  I hope you find peace in the next place...And I hope it haunts me, so I can do better for them than I was able to do for you.

Spatter

034

Sometimes it's too late to succeed, but it's never too late to try.  We get this awesome gift of existence, with all its wonders and mysteries.  We get to explore and inquire; we get an adventure far more incredible than any novel or story has ever portrayed.  There's magic here, in every breath you breathe, in every step you take.  Physiology.  There's wonder here, in every quirk that builds, every black hole that swallows.  Physics.  The examples are endless.  Forget the fairy tales.  Embrace what's right in front of you.  Don't let anyone ever belittle that, don't let anyone take it from you.  Don't let it ever become small.  It's so easy to get wrapped up in things and people that will pull you away from all of the beauty in the world, sometimes you won't even notice.  Learn from that, and chase your dreams, not your lust.  Live long,

Spatter

033

"You will think you dodged a bullet.  You will breathe deep relief.  As my life spirals into the great unknown, into yet darker and darker days, you will believe this fallacy.  Stupid girl.  You didn't dodge a bullet, I took one for you.  This is what you will come to know." - an excerpt from Memoir 33, Dante Stradat

One infinity is not equal to another.  This idea is raised and proven within the laws of mathematics, in particular, integral calculus.  An obvious problem with forever is that it lacks quantifiable character.  Forever may not be time, maybe it's magnitude.  Maybe it's both.  Maybe forever is 11 dimensional, or maybe it's not structural or temporal at all, but intangible to the depth of its absolute nature.  But we know about forever, don't we?  You know when your forever is greater than another's.  It is clear when your infinity is more true than another's.  Find that which without, your forever cannot exist.  And then run from that place, and never look back.  You see, forever is the end.  It is the warm blanket of goodnight, and the peaceful rest into which we fall.  It is filled with complacency feigning comfort.  It is the declaration to forego change, and remain.  And as it grows, it will shrink you small.  Forever is the great lie you've been told.  Fuck forever.
Live long,

Spatter

"Suddenly it occurred, at 3:30 on March 3rd, it came to me like God's word." - Germaine

032

The Long Goodbye

The number line will find both its beginning and its end,
Infinity will find its peaceful rest.
The universe will expand and collapse its final time,
And God will take His very last breath.

But not for you and I,
Not for the long goodbye.
It has always been, and it will always be,
The exception that proves the rule...
There must exist eternity.
And The Long Goodbye is what is left,
After eternity is over.

Spatter

031

It's been some time since I wrote traditional post, so I figure now is as good a time as any.  On break from medical school for 5 weeks, of which two have passed.  I already find myself restless, yearning to get back to my mission.  I realize I have changed.  I'm running, it's been quite a few miles, I'm tired, I think maybe I'll walk the rest of the way.  But I can't.  My mind won't let me slow, everything that can push me, does push me.  My thoughts go to places to feign purpose to finish my run.  It would be too easy to stop Andrew, we don't do easy.  You're not tired, you just think you are, will it kill you to press onward?  You know you can, stopping now wouldn't be of necessity, it would be a choice, a weak choice.  You hate weakness.  [omitted] is waiting for you at the end, [omitted] is there, at your final destination.  Don't waste time, there is no time to waste.  Keep running.  You will regret it if you don't keep running.  In fact Andrew, run harder...My mind plays its game, and I run harder, knowing deep down that the reasons are loosely based in lies.  I manipulate myself so that I can press on, so that I can move forward, so that I will not quit.  This is what happens to me during a run.  It's not just a run, not for me.  For me, it's life and death, it's everything.  For me, there is no next moment with which to redeem oneself, there is only this moment: to grow, to learn, to live, and to love.  Live long, all my love to Di.

Spatter